When money mars marriages

TBS Illustration

If Rajib, a private job holder, had known that objecting to the purchase of a bedside table would create such a big fuss, he would not have done it. But he did not know.

Rajib's reasoning went something along the lines that the couple in their late 20s were not of the sort who would wake up in the middle of the night having a nightmare, and would need to drink water immediately from the glass and jug kept on the bed-side table, so there was no point spending Tk3,000 "for nothing" amid this time of economic crisis. Especially when their combined monthly income didn't exceed Tk70,000, and the allocated money for their monthly household expenditure stood at Tk12,000.

But Rajib's wife Nowrin, also a private job holder, was adamant that the bedside table was an absolute necessity. She argued that it was not only a thing of beauty which would add aesthetic value to their bedroom, but it would also help them keep the room organised in more ways than one. 

Even after days of debate, the couple could not arrive on the same page. Rather, something as trivial as a bedside table kept them from talking to each other for an unprecedented seven-day stretch. 

Eventually, the couple reconciled and went ahead and bought the bedside table. But before that, they also learnt a very good lesson: Financial decisions can significantly impact a relationship.

Bagerhat's Ruby Rahman, who has been married to Asad Sardar for 32 years, has also learnt the same in the hardest way. Ruby is a homemaker.

So, when Asad, a mid-tier businessman, started opening accounts in banks, life insurance and post offices making her the nominee, nearly 20 years ago, she initially felt content thinking that her future was secure. 

However, her happiness has since faded, and her relationship with her husband is now marked by constant quarrels. She has valid reasons for her frustration. All her life, she saw her husband saving money to deposit as monthly instalments, and spending nothing on her directly. They never went on family trips, dined at upscale restaurants or bought fancy clothes for special occasions.

As Ruby approaches her mid-50s, she grapples with unanswered questions, pondering, "what's the purpose of amassing so much money for the future if we can't enjoy the present? What will I do with a substantial sum in my 60s after missing out on life for so long?"

However, both the mentioned couples can be happy with the fact that, despite their financial differences and disagreements, their relationship is still intact. But that's not the same case everywhere. 

Nabila (not her real name) recently got separated from her husband. According to her, she would often feel "financially exploited" by her husband, who didn't have any permanent job and used to rely on her most of the time. 

"I held a job that I would consider fairly well-paying, allowing me to lead a comfortable life in Dhaka. However, my husband often demanded money from me. When I objected or requested his assistance with household chores, he would often emotionally manipulate me, accusing me of displaying 'excessive pride' due to my good job," explained Nabila. The exploitation, she said, eventually reached a breaking point, and she had no other choice but to seek a divorce. 

Just like that, money can have a multifaceted impact on marital relationships, even though the impacts on most occasions go unnoticed. 

So, The Business Standard reached out to experts to understand how money can affect marriages. As things stand, money not only takes the guise of many subtle issues and sometimes paves the way for domestic violence, but it could also lead to divorce. 

When divorce is driven by money 

Overall, divorce is on the rise in our country. A divorce takes place every 40 minutes in the capital Dhaka. While several reasons come into play behind a divorce, money more often than not also plays a big role, say experts. 

Pointing fingers at money behind many conflicts between two married people, Dhaka-based mental health consultant Tarannum Musarrat Tusqa said, "disagreements about budgeting, spending habits and financial decision-making tend to strain a relationship, particularly if there are differences in income or financial priorities."

Needless to say, this is the same phenomenon all over the world. In conversation with The Business Standard, world-renowned financial psychologist and money coach Dr James Langabeer described how financial differences can even go to the extent of making couples "hate each other." 

"One couple who recently came to me admitted to hating each other, because of financial stress that is produced by one of the partner's concerns over too much spending from their partner. One person had a control mindset, the other an abundance," said Dr Langabeer, also the founder of Yellowstone Advisors.

One of the key ways money affects relationships is through differences in financial values and attitudes. 

"For example, one partner may prioritise saving for the future, while the other may have a more carefree approach to spending. These differences can create tension and disagreements, leading to communication breakdowns and resentment," said Mehedi Shamim, personal finance expert and Head of Brand, Marketing, and Strategy of the Apex Property. 

"The partner with higher financial control may unintentionally exert an influence over decision-making, leading to feelings of inequality or dependence," added Shamim, also a Guest Faculty of the Department of Marketing, Jahangirnagar University.

Money problems take the guise of other issues 

In Bangladesh, the presence of financial psychologists is not common, and money is not widely acknowledged as a primary factor contributing to the breakdown of marital relationships. Consequently, couples facing difficulties in their marriage tend to attribute their issues to other causes like a lack of mutual respect, infidelity or sexual concerns when seeking a divorce.

Nevertheless, upon closer examination of their problems, it becomes evident that financial matters often play a more significant role than initially perceived. As noted by clinical psychologist Marzia Al-Hakeem, financial issues can lead to profound challenges within couples, including power imbalances and domestic violence. 

As husbands usually earn more or are generally the only earning members of the family, they hold more power in the family, and consider others, especially their wives, as their subordinates. Consequently, they become reluctant to participate in household chores, attributing these responsibilities to traditional gender roles, exclusively to women. 

"But now, with women's tendency to join workforces becoming more prevalent - and at times they even earn more or hold a better position in a job - the shift in domestic power dynamics is creating the path for more complicated conjugal relationships," said Marzia. 

Consequently, the increasing imbalance between the partner with a higher income and the one shouldering a larger domestic load (or managing both responsibilities) is steadily evolving into a significant concern for couples, sometimes even leading to instances of domestic violence.

How money leads to domestic violence 

Although there is currently no available data indicating the extent to which the present inflation is driving an increase in domestic violence, recent studies do show a connection between domestic violence and deteriorating mental health, particularly during times of unusual or challenging circumstances.

Marzia co-authored one such study titled "Domestic Violence and Mental Health During the Covid-19 Pandemic in Bangladesh" which brought attention to the factors that lead to a surge in domestic violence during crisis periods, identifying financial instability and disrupted power dynamics within households as two significant contributing factors.

Eshrat Sharmin, a Senior Research Associate at SANEM, also expressed the view that financial resources, or the lack thereof, may play a significant role in shaping marital relationships. She also suggested a connection between financial crises and domestic violence. 

Using examples such as the Great Recession and the 2008 recession, she explained that domestic violence tends to escalate during periods of crisis, especially economic downturns. This is because the economic instability resulting from crises can generate additional stress within households, potentially contributing to a higher incidence of domestic violence.

"In crisis settings, more than 70% of women have experienced gender-based violence (GBV). Moreover, if gendered perspectives such as GBV are unaddressed in disaster preparedness, recovery plans, and humanitarian assistance, women's vulnerability increases," she added. 

Differences in financial decision-making can influence child-rearing as well, even if the children are not directly exposed to power imbalances or domestic violence, noted Marzia. She explained that how parents allocate their finances can significantly impact a child's upbringing.

For instance, when it comes to making decisions about seeking psychotherapy for children's mental issues, many fathers, particularly those with primary financial authority in the household, tend to object. 

"This, in consequence, puts the mental well-being of the children at risk," said Marzia, adding that similar examples could be drawn from numerous other incidents.

The call for candid communication 

Certainly, the impact of money goes way beyond just two people committed to a marital relationship. Yet, in relationships, money may be the most taboo of subjects. So, it's high time it's seen in a new light. Also, the conflicts arising from it should be taken care of accordingly. 

"Money is deeply rooted in the psyche of all of us. Some of us grew up poor, wealthy, or in the middle, but each of us carries around thoughts and beliefs that trigger a variety of complex and deep emotions like fear, anxiety and shame. When couples are married the combination creates even more intense effects, which is why so many people divorce worldwide," said Dr Langabeer. 

He also emphasised the necessity of addressing the root causes of the money mindset for partners to come together. "Couples who engage in thoughtful dialogue, and do not fight or argue over their spending habits, can mutually agree on boundaries and habits that are healthier. Issues concerning money can be overcome. Find a coach or therapist and work together to address underlying issues." 

Shamim also weighed in on the importance of candid communication for successfully navigating the impact of money on relationships. 

"Couples should make an effort to freely communicate their financial expectations, worries, and ambitions. Building a foundation of trust and understanding can be facilitated by developing shared financial ideals and establishing common financial objectives," he said.