Rebel Moon: A unwelcome and forgettable universe

In a galaxy not so far away, the world is ruled by a tyrant of the Motherworld, bent on total conquest and vanquishing the force of good, so evil can take root and establish a form of merciless order. 

But amidst the chaos, only a handful of few brave heroes, scattered across the system, will rise and take up arms, to protect the village, nobody except for two people, hold dear. This is the story of Rebel Wars – sorry, Rebel Moon.

Journey into a universe that is so massively small, everything and everybody had to be confined within a few moons instead of planets they orbit. 

We will find our first two heroes living a simple life in a village near the outer rim of the system, away from the prying eyes of tyranny. But everything changed when the commander, Atticus Noble, not to be mistaken with Darth Vader, arrived in his vessel, which was definitely a rip off of a Star Destroyer.

Throw out the concept of realistic CGI with green screen, so obvious that the textures of the backdrop and subject do not match. Poorly planned lighting reflects off actors' faces in scenes that make them look out of place. The production is a beautiful eye-sore even for the most amateur viewer.

The swords were basically lightsabers, just with a bit of tweaking at the top, to make it look like something new. The aliens looked like scrapped ideas from every Star Wars instalment.

Directed by the visionary Zack Snyder, who peaked at 'Watchmen', largely owing to the source material, 'Rebel Moon' is a 'Star Wars' story nobody needed, wanted, or anticipated. Despite his success with 'Watchmen', all his other works flatlined. In the same manner, the 'Rebel Moon' duology is something that should have stayed a vision and forgotten quickly after.

We find out that our hero, named Kora, played by Sofia Boutella, is someone who is an outsider in the village. She is hardworking, gentle, with a dark and tragic past. It is difficult to tell how tragic her past was though, given that she loyally served the man that slaughtered her family. The movie falls apart from the get-go, with no explanation offered for her actions.

Meet Atticus Noble, a man on a mission. A mission to cleanse the system off the rebels, who stand to oppose the ultimate tyrant, Balisarius. He must fulfil his mission to gain the favours of his one true master. 

Played by Ed Skrein, he is a menace, with a ruthless approach to every obstacle, killing anyone who dares defy him with his trusty lightsaber – pardon, his trusty and visibly rusty cane. He leaves the village and promises to return, not to find the rebels, but to take away the villagers' grains.

They really need those grains.

We are also introduced to a new breed of Stormtroopers, but a more absurd version. They are geared up in questionable uniforms that should not survive deep space exploration. The Stormtrooper-impostors party, drink and more importantly, their aim is at least ten times worse, missing point blank shots.

Even if her parents' death didn't convince her of tyrant Balisarius' goodwill, his plot to frame her for murdering a royal was finally enough to convince her. This unconventional plotline certainly had more than a few viewers slapping their faces in frustration.  

As she pivots towards a new mission to save the village, we meet our other heroes like Nemesis (Bae Doona), a widow with lightsabers for a pair of hands; Tarak (Staz Nair), an exiled prince wasting away far from his home, despite having exceptional fighting skills; and General Titus (Djimon Hounsou), a banished general of the Motherworld, drinking away, despite being feared for his tactical and combat abilities.

Our heroes face insurmountable odds, if being captured and brought to the laps of Noble; only to break away from their restraints and revolt minutes later is considered insurmountable odds. This really does feel like lazy writing.

As the first part of 'Rebel Moon' ends trying to gather our heroes and kill Noble, the second part begins with Noble coming back from the dead and our heroes preparing for his impending attack on the village. The movie sure spends a lot of time prepping for things and when the final fight begins, it all comes to an end. That's it, it just ends. No stories there.

But the action must have been high octane and fast paced? No. Both movies spend a lot of time slowing down action sequences, where each sequence takes longer than usual, breaking down every component and every move for who knows who. Every swing of a sword, every pull of the trigger, every jump from high places is a slow motion, as though someone really new is trying to find their way playing Max Payne for the first time.