My son and I

Several factors, incidents and people also contribute to shaping our identity in life. It is the only form of self-expression. So, it needs to be spontaneous, not forced. Photo: Ahmad Shabib Abdullah

I adore blindness. You'd be forgiven for thinking I am insane. Who, in his right frame of mind, would embrace blindness? In this day and age of information overload, we struggle to keep up even with both of our eyes peeled. We can't get enough and wish we could have our eyeballs stretched as much as possible for up-to-date and accurate news or to have a third eye to read between the lines. Two eyes aren't enough anymore in this complex and ever-changing world.

Artificial intelligence calls for an even more discerning eye because it's hard to tell between the real and the fake. But I believe that sometimes not having an eye may be better. Have I muddied your mind? Do we always want to see everything?

I have thought all these years about how best to raise a child. What sort of values should I instil, if at all? There are parenting advices galore. But personal values passed on may also risk pushing him down a pre-set path. I have seen my friends raise their children. By social standards, they've all been successful. They've had the best grades and have gone on to the best colleges. They've been good human beings too. Parents have proudly presented them and in some cases, even felt their children have reflected their own innate qualities in their stellar achievements. 

Naturally, the thought of how I feel about my child has come up. What is the best way? Should he just only conform to social standards or feel that academic excellence and being a good person suffice?

My journey with my son commenced with some trepidation and uncertainty, but he slowly started to communicate with me, and the exchanges became increasingly enjoyable. What dawned upon me is that he had an open mind, able to toy with new ideas I might offer and the ones he could discover while playing. As he grew older, he began to partner with me in everything. He then gradually started offering me his own ideas that helped me fine-tune or challenge mine. I pondered passing on to him some of my ideas or thoughts—yes, not really instructions or mandates—about life. 

What idea could I possibly offer him? Without having to impose things on him, I wanted to pass on to him the willingness to be open. While I respect his individuality, I haven't quite held back on one strong pillar that I have valued: Free thinking. This term is very broad that can mean a lot. I thought of two components of free thinking. One is "identity" while the other is, you guessed it, "blindness". If the first element is what needs to be discovered by an individual, the second element is how others can perceive the first in an individual.

Identity relates solely to an individual. Several factors, incidents and people also contribute to shaping our identity in life. It is the only form of self-expression. So, it needs to be spontaneous, not forced, because this is the essence of who we are. What constitutes identity? Is it our success in social life or career? Is it the wealth we have amassed or the institutional degrees we have achieved? Is it related to what we have inherited in terms of religion, ethnicity, or nationality? I think many will judge identity by these social standards and be happy with it.

I can't totally ignore the inherited part, driven by our birth. While this naturally has some influence on us, it shouldn't really define us. I call this an "inherited identity" rather than a "discovered identity" because there is no self-exploration involved here. The latter requires self-examination and celebration and therefore defines us. I tend to think some of the attributes I just mentioned above are mere by-products of our identity. When I think of the above social parameters, I can imagine lots of commonality. Many people can have similar achievements. If so, how can one set oneself apart from the others? So, to carve out an identity, one has to delve into one's core and discover the unique qualities and abilities, strengths and weaknesses, desires, and passions. These are unique to an individual.

So, my message to him is that he can achieve many of the successes mentioned above in his life, as do many others. By birth, he may have some DNA entrenched in him, but they don't constitute his full identity. He needs to explore his inner core to find out who he is and what truly gives him happiness or sorrow, what he is capable of, and above all, how he wants to express himself. If he is capable of something, he should pursue it because that is his own signature.

External factors can help shape this because he can discover more about himself from his reactions to them. The more he does it, the more he knows himself. If he doesn't do that, I can't really tell him from another person.

The other one is a bit subtle. What I mean by blindness is actually being open. This idea revolves around our first external take, by which we are often fully influenced. When we try to see too much, we often misjudge. Our preconceived notions inhibit our judgement. As individuals, it is fine to have our own values, but jumping to conclusions based on what we see from outside can be deceiving. This could inhibit great friendships in life that can open eyes to new schools of thought. 

Blindness is tied to the desire and ability to look past everything else to appreciate the above-mentioned discovered identity of another individual. We may like an individual based on their social identity, but individual social successes shouldn't be the benchmark. So, treating those achievements as a benchmark would be the wrong approach. This idea is often challenged and influenced by people around us, as we are urged to believe in divisions predicated solely on race, religion, sect, ethnicity, nationality, etc.

 It is important for one to hold one's own and analyse the logic behind any type of imposed or established belief. Part of the challenge stems from where we are born. The problem with that is that once a certain type of influence wins, the tendency to associate with all the socially accepted beliefs of that influence ensues, taking away our ability to think freely. Blindness means the ability to judge others on qualities stemming from the discovered identity, not on anything else. That is the best way to eliminate divisions among us.

There is one more distinction I want him to explore. This is between appreciation and tolerance. These are related to how we perceive individuals who don't look like us. Tolerance stems from mere acceptance of a difference that doesn't emanate from the heart. This is often tied to resignation, legality, or political correctness. But appreciation is the ability to celebrate the difference by the power of the heart. The transcendence of the boundaries of tolerance with an open mind leads to something beautiful.

I think if he could embrace free thinking and comprehend the difference between tolerance and appreciation, I would be content. I know that success, as we know it by our social standards, will come to him one day, but the ability to think freely will enhance him the most as a human being. That is the best value or gift I can pass on to him. This is how I have thought of raising my son.

I strongly believe my success as a father will certainly depend on how I can unhinge him from pre-set, often age-old, and irrational belief systems passed down to us, and set him on a glorious path of free thinking. A free mind is the best thing one can have for the good of humanity.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and views of The Business Standard.