Suffering from success: 5 ways to stop your kids from exposing your black money

Disclaimer: This article is a humourous piece and is not intended to be taken seriously.

The anti-graft watchdog has a new competitor in town: your very own kids!

In a flurry of events in the past week, it seems children have taken it upon themselves to expose their parents of any ill-gotten wealth.

Remember the YouTuber car debacle from a couple of weeks or so ago? Well, a social media star decided to buy his parents a car, only to be flooded by queries as to how he can afford such an expensive vehicle, yet have the family defaulting on their loans?

And that was just the beginning.

Since then #RichKidsofDhaka have gone on an absolute spree of exposé, their clout-chasing resulting in police chases for their family.

It seems if you don't let them crash your latest car during their little rich boy Eid races, they go on a social media platform of choice and take the kind of revenge that'll haunt you for a lifetime.

Look, we get it. If you got it, better flaunt it. At this time, many of us are so glad we don't have kids, because this age of feral documentation of everything by the children is starting to haunt us all.

But there has to be a solution,right? Well, here's a few ways you can idiot-proof your illegal wealth from your children.

1. Just don't do it

The first step, as usual, is the hardest. In the very beginning, what you should do is get a job or start a business. Then, stick to that profession without looking for shortcuts. Like, literally, don't steal stuff. Pay your taxes. Live properly.

Ridiculous, right? Well, that's why we prefaced it by saying the first step is the hardest.

2. Hire a babysitter which isn't a phone

This is another hard step, but bear with us. If your child is raised by an iPhone (obviously the latest version, whichever that is), then it is only likely they will be more drawn towards it in the future.

They will also begin to treat it as a confidant. Over time, their biggest dose of dopamine will also come from the phone – in the form of likes, comments and shares. Then, they will be more likely to whip out their phone at the slightest inconvenience or whatever they think is snap-worthy, all in the pursuit of the coveted clout.

If you don't familiarise them with the tool of your downfall early on, chances are, it won't be used against you.

3. A little bit of rich people PR-training

If you've already missed parts 1 and 2, then come to part three.

Give your children a little PR-training. Explain to them that the poor want to act like they are rich, while the rich want to act like they are wealthy and the wealthy love to pretend they are only just comfortable.

So, what does this mean? It means you need to teach your children it's not always a wise idea to flaunt wealth. That's just ghetto-stuff. Instead, be humble on social media.

4. Teach your children they aren't rappers

Do you know who does braggadocio the best? Rappers. Do you know who shouldn't do braggadocio? The rest of us.

Seriously, tell your children they aren't rappers. There is also no reason to buy your children expensive cars with personalised licence plates. If you must, keep it to one car every six months. Also, when it comes to pocket money, make sure it's enough that it fits in a pocket and doesn't need to be carried in a plastic. This way, they won't go overboard and bring you into further disrepute.

Imagine if Abdul Karim Telgi did not spend that Rs90 lakh in the club. See, how differently things can turn out?

5. Keep your friends close, enemies closer and kids closest

Who will let the cat out of the bag? Current trend seems to suggest your own children.

Therefore, it is of utmost importance to keep your children as close to you as possible. We understand it's difficult to make time for your children when you are out making so many under-the-table deals, but making time for your family, and not necessarily always in Maldives, is a prerequisite if you don't want to get caught. 

6. Disown, estrange

Caught in a really bad place despite doing your best? There's actually a secret sixth way. It's time to do what Hindi movie parents do best – disown your kid.

Just deny their existence. You have two choices here really – respect from your kid you may not deserve or keeping all that almost hard-earned money safe. You know the play.

Remember these simple steps and you, too, just might become one of the few whose wealth isn't exposed by children.