The cost of ‘being a man’

Illustration: TBS

"Be a man", "grow a pair", and "real men don't cry" – are only some examples of the things that men hear while growing up and well into their adulthood. Any time a man shows any weakness or emotion, they are immediately compared to a girl, which is supposedly the greatest insult for a man. 

The most prominent example of this is the fact that there exists little to no helpline for male victims of domestic abuse worldwide. Because society has somehow convinced itself that men are the superior gender and as a result, the word 'victim' simply cannot apply to them. And this has been woven into the brains of male children everywhere. 

We live in a society where "you're such a girl" is considered to be an insult and "be a man" is seen as an efficient pep talk. Male children are taught, from a very young age, that they must sacrifice all their dreams and secure a high-paying job by the age of 25. At this point, they should get married and take on responsibilities of their wife and future children, which they have been prepared for in no way, shape or form.

Then there is the absurd notion that men are somehow always open to everything, be it intimacy or any sort of affection and attention shown to them, as they are 'lucky' to receive this attention from women. 

As a result, it would be illogical to complain about being uncomfortable with these attentions as this is compared with a millionaire complaining about being rich. Men do not have the luxury to be uncomfortable with anything nor can they refuse most things, as they are seen as creatures of duty. 

They have different types of duties to fulfil, be it that of a proper son, a father, a husband, an employee, and on some days, all of the above. Men are always expected to live their lives in a way which will make other peoples' lives easier. 

As a woman, education and jobs have always been options for me. I have never felt the pressure of having to obtain an education or securing a job, as I was always told that I have the option to marry an established man: a man who will sacrifice all his dreams and wishes to ensure mine, although we have only known each other for a mere fraction of our lives. While women have suffered a different type of oppression all their lives, it would be unfair to pretend that men have not lived in a different type of purgatory. 

A report from earlier this year – published in a leading national daily – tells the story of a male sexual abuse victim who was continually assaulted by his uncle as a young child. He is now 42 and has only now begun to talk about his fears of being alone with another man in the same room, due to the traumatic event that changed the entire course of his life. 

Decades of his life have passed with this fear, which he has had to keep bottled up because saying it out loud would render him weak, and he would simply no longer "be a man". Even while talking about this now, he has had to resort to using a fake name.

It is only now that society is finally beginning to talk about male abuse, that too due to the highly publicised scandal of the renowned actor Johnny Depp. Depp had been abused by his ex-wife, Amber Heard. But Heard alleged the opposite by accusing Depp of domestic abuse. 

Heard had written an op-ed detailing the abuse she allegedly suffered, following which Depp sued her for defamation. The much-anticipated trial, which began on 11 April 2022, took place over seven weeks and finally ended mostly in favour of Depp, where a jury of his peers found that both the parties had defamed each other, but the compensation that Heard had to pay was higher than that of Depp. 

However, the verdict is not the main issue here, the issue is all the evidence that was brought to light in the trial. Heard had injured Depp's hand with a glass bottle, which required surgery. She had hit Depp numerous times. 

But amid all this, one particular audio recording from the trial attracted the most attention. In this audio clip, Heard said to Depp, "Tell the world, Johnny. Tell them, 'I, Johnny Depp, I'm a victim of domestic abuse, and it was a fair fight,' and see how many people believe or side with you." 

While this is highly disturbing, it is nothing new or out of the ordinary, as it has been seen, time and time again, that men are rarely believed to be victims of abuse as they are meant to be stronger than their partners. Hence, domestic violence is a myth in their world. 

The Office for National Statistics in the UK found that one in three victims of domestic abuse is male and that one in seven men are to be victims of domestic abuse once in their lifetime. Yet, there exists little to no help for these men. 

All laws on abuse are geared towards women and children, and so are the court proceedings. It has also been reported that 61% of the men who call the ManKind Initiative helpline in the UK have never spoken to anyone before about the abuse. 

Concerning Bangladesh, the Bangladesh Men's Rights Foundation, founded in 2016, found that around 80% of married men in Bangladesh have faced mental abuse by their spouses. A member of the organisation said, "We have got thousands of messages from men who have been abused mentally and physically by their spouses and their relatives. But they are afraid to talk or seek legal help about it as our society regards a man as a weak person when he admits such a thing. They laugh at male victims…"

This is the current reality that we are living in, where most men are suffering in silence, with no refuge because they are mocked by society for suffering abuse in the first place. The time has come to recognise this growing issue and to help the men who have been suffering in silence.

Nafia Haque. Sketch: TBS

Nafia Haque is an LLB student at the University of London (International Programmes, UK).

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and views of The Business Standard.