Bangladeshi woman marries Tamil Nadu girl in Chennai

A Bangladeshi woman, Tina Das, married a Tamil Nadu woman, Subiksha Subramani, in a traditional wedding ceremony in Chennai on Wednesday (31 August).

Tina hails from a conservative Hindu family in Bangladesh and Subiksha belongs to a Tamil Brahmin family settled in Canada. Both of them are settled in Calgary, Canada. 

The girls met on an app six years ago, fresh after a Pride Month celebration, reports Times of India.

On her wedding day, Subiksha sat on her father's lap in true Tamil Brahmin style, and exchanged garlands with Tina, the love of her life. And after a 'traditional' wedding ceremony, they walked hand in hand -- as wife and wife.

"It was everything we had dreamt of, but never thought possible," says Subiksha.

"After years of soldiering through, we had our loved ones standing by us, cheering for us and fulfilling every ritual as per our respective customs – just how we've always wished," says Subiksha. "We are blessed."

The 29-year-old works as a chartered accountant in Deloitte and identifies as bisexual. She opened up to her parents when she was 19 years old. 

"I grew up in Madurai and later lived in Qatar. It was only after moving to Canada that we even learned about the queer community, says Subiskha's mum Poornapushkala Subramani, who runs a playschool in Calgary. 

"Our first and immediate fear was that our extended family in India would cut ties with us and our daughter. Our next fear was how Subiksha would be treated in society and manage prospects of motherhood," she added.

Subiksha countered every 'why' from her parents with 'why not', and didn't stop until they saw where she was coming from. When they ran out of answers, the parents turned to counselling where their worldview gradually changed. 

"We were like, what does our family's solidarity or societal validation mean in a future where our daughter is not going to be happy," says Poornapushkala.

Tina, 35, who identifies as lesbian, spent four years in a marriage with a heterosexual man before she decided to walk out. 

"I grew up in Moulvibazar, a small town in north-eastern Bangladesh. My parents and I came to Montreal in 2003, hosted by my sister who was living here post marriage," she says. 

"My parents had no exposure to the LGBTQIA+ community; they believed I had a disease and got me married when I was 19, hoping that would set it right," says Tina, a working lead at Patient Care at Foothills Medical Centre, Calgary.

Around four years into dating Subiksha, Tina's eldest sister cut all communication with her, and her family kept their distance. But as she healed and stood her ground, so did they warm up to Subiksha a little more, and on the day of the wedding, her cousin brother was by her side, as Sanskrit scholar and teacher, Saurabh Bondre presided over the rituals.

Saurabh, who studied Vedic literature as part of its his Masters in Sanskrit from the University of Mumbai, says this is the fourth LGBT wedding he is conducting, and yet, one-of-its-kind in the solidarity for the cause and camaraderie among family members, who hosted a traditional nitchiyathatram (engagement ceremony), followed by all the customs of a traditional Hindu wedding.

"Times are changing, and a growing number of priests are tolerant to LGBTQ IA+ relationships," says Saurabh. 

"But from a business perspective, priests work out of a closely knit community, which is also their networking space. As a result, although willing, the risk of being ostracised or losing work is high when they sign up for these ceremonies," he says.

"Head priests of well-known temples and scholars with a strong following can initiate change by sensitising others in the community. But this has to be a choice."

Subhi and Tina's wedding has opened a tiny but exciting window in Chennai for creative departments involved in weddings to explore new prospects too - be it their wedding planner Krishna Bezawada or photography and film company Picturemakers.

"Customary family and ritual shots are the staples, but at every wedding, we keep an eye out for honest human interactions," says Praveen Padmanabhan of Picturemakers. 

"We found our story unravel quite organically in this case, in the sheer honesty and joy with which the family celebrated the couple's union. That it was a hard earned victory after a long struggle for identity and love, was undeniable in every moment we captured."

Poornapushkala says it was her family's undeterred support to their daughter that enabled relatives and friends to come around.

"Our extended family came forward to bless the children because we decided to stand by our decision," she says. 

Their allies include Subiksha's 84-year-old grandmother S Padmavathy, who can't stop beaming about the new daughter-in-law, after months of communicating with her with "a little Hindi here, and some English there." "When in doubt, choose love," says the grandma. "We chose to have our children happy and here by our side, rather than disheartened and away."

The couple, who registered their marriage in Canada, is now set to travel across Southeast Asia, before flying back to Calgary.