Navigating adulthood early: The doleful journey of many eldest daughters

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"I'm still on that tightrope,

I'm still trying everything to get you laughing at me

I'm still a believer but I don't know why

I've never been a natural

All I do is try, try, try"

For eldest daughters, Taylor Swift's 'Mirrorball' can evoke a poignant connection in the portrayal of the struggle of moulding oneself to conform to societal expectations.  

As the firstborn, particularly if you're a daughter, the essence of this song serves as a reminder of the diligent effort that goes into making others feel the most comfortable.

The role of the firstborn in any family carries inherent pressures. From shouldering parental responsibilities to setting a standard for younger siblings, firstborns frequently contend with the ongoing burden of meeting expectations and embodying a sense of perfection, even in the face of inevitable shortcomings.

The expectations placed on firstborns often carry gender-based nuances, leading to distinct experiences for the eldest sons and daughters in diverse family dynamics. Nowadays, many progressive households are challenging traditional gender roles and promoting a more equitable distribution of responsibilities between boys and girls.

Yet in most families, responsibilities for the eldest son are more definitive - primarily focusing on career and financial aspects, whereas the eldest daughters frequently grapple with additional domestic and emotional expectations.

The disparity in expectations, commonly referred to by netizens as the eldest daughter syndrome, significantly impacts the experiences of a child, making it imperative to acknowledge and discuss this dilemma.

Eldest Daughter Syndrome (EDS) is quite not an officially recognised psychiatric diagnosis but refers to a family role inherited by the eldest daughter, where they are expected to embody greater responsibilities in domestic chores, emotional caregiving, and setting benchmarks for younger siblings. Often, academic and career expectations from parents are also added to the array of responsibilities.

Even if someone has an older brother, EDS may apply to anyone as long as she is the eldest female sibling.

This may link to the 'Birth Order' introduced by Austrian psychotherapist Alfred Adler, which suggests that the order in each child being born into a family plays a major role in shaping their personality traits, behaviours, and life experiences. This leads to a firstborn being different and having more responsibilities compared to their other siblings.

TikTok has emerged as a prominent platform for eldest daughters to voice out their experiences in family dynamics. A common theme resonating among them is the immense pressure to assume parental responsibilities, particularly in adopting maternal roles from an early age.

These young women often feel an intense pressure of taking over parental responsibilities, essentially stepping into the role of a substitute mother, from their childhood.

They are expected to excel in household chores, serve as caregivers, mediate family disputes, and be a reliable source for advice. The intensity of these expectations is heightened when their actual mother is either working or absent, which, on its own, isn't an issue.

However, the relentless pursuit of meeting these expectations often robs eldest daughters of a conventional childhood, a contrast even to their eldest brothers.

According to UNICEF, there exists an inequitable distribution of domestic work which places a disproportionate burden on girls compared to boys. Girls are found to take on 30% more domestic responsibilities, leading to a scenario where they sacrifice a considerable part of their childhood to fulfil adult duties.

Another noxious trait that most of the eldest daughters develop is - the art of people pleasing.

As the expectations are higher - to be a good elder daughter or sister - they often are expected to be skilled at keeping peace and harmony, even if it triggers their discomfort.

Amidst the myriad expectations, what should ideally be a strategic skill of people-pleasing transforms into an unhealthy personality trait. Individuals find themselves in a perpetual state of anxiety, fearing the prospect of disappointing others, particularly their siblings.

Therefore, the unrelenting quest for validation, the pursuit of perfection, and an unwavering desire to be liked at all times can take a self-destructive turn in shaping their personality.

A fact usually overlooked is how the eldest daughters struggle with same-age relationships - given the additional responsibilities since childhood and lack of parental attention - most of the time they cannot adjust to people of the same age.

They often become high maintenance and might seek someone more mature and responsible, who understands and shares similar family dynamics or career aspirations as them.

Here is an important thing to note - the eldest daughters frequently express a sense of being undervalued both within their families and in society at large. This perception is partly attributed to the role they assume as caregivers.

Anything offered for free is often taken for granted, and the emotional labour involved in caregiving is rarely acknowledged or compensated.

Studies indicate that these challenges and pressures often contribute to intense anxiety and depression among eldest daughters. Moreover, a considerable number of eldest siblings find themselves seeking therapy or professional assistance to cope with these emotional struggles.

Expectations and responsibilities placed upon eldest daughters can exhibit variations across cultures and families, leading to diverse experiences among them.

While some may find themselves warmly welcomed, heard, and acknowledged within their families, others might resonate more with complex characters like Succession's Kendall Roy or connect with the sentiment expressed by Mitski in the lyrics "I was so young when I behaved 25."

It's hard to change something that has not been properly acknowledged yet. It becomes more challenging in brown households, where communication gaps tend to be prevalent.

However, it is crucial to bridge these gaps within families, fostering an environment where seeking help is not only accepted but also feels safe.

It's high time brown households move away from the unjust distribution of activities among siblings and eliminate the gendered labels associated with certain types of work.

Recognising the importance of professional assistance is also essential. Many professionals advise eldest daughters to prioritise self-care, often emphasising the need to "heal their inner child."

Eldest daughters usually sacrifice a good portion of their childhood while co-parenting their younger siblings. The collective well-being of a family's mental health needs to encourage empathy and open communication as many of them in this process, experience adulthood way earlier than crossing childhood boundaries.