Time to break the cycle of trans-generational toxic parenting 

Somehow, it is widely accepted that whoever becomes a parent, the knowledge of how to be a good one would come naturally to them. But in reality, it is not true. Because one cannot automatically become a master of parenting the moment his/her child comes into this world. 

With a child, a parent is also born. Parenting is a principle; it is a set of continuous actions backed by techniques that would determine the growth of a child. It is a major responsibility that must be carried out diligently, as most of what we do as parents becomes a deciding factor in how our children grow up to be adults. 

The knowledge of parenting is learned, practised, and understood as we grow with our child. At least, that's what the developed countries have adapted to in the last decades. But in this part of the world, we are blindly following the teachings on how to be a parent that have traditionally been passed down through generations by our ancestors. 

If you ask your parents why they behave in a certain way towards you, it is probably because their parents have done the same way. These norms and habits have remained somewhat in their original form even though they originated centuries ago, mostly because one would not dare question customs in fear of being disrespectful. 

What we don't realise is that the world has changed a lot and so has society, its morals, ideals, and social standards. So it's obvious that we need to revise our learnings on parenting. 

It is presumed that parents would not be wrong in their ways, otherwise, we wouldn't have been where we are now. We assume they must have figured out the right way. But just because certain techniques to deal with children have been 'tried and tested' by our ancestors, does not mean they have to be flawless. 

Certain actions have remained unmonitored for years. We never realised when toxicity crept up in a good parenting technique and became part of it. 

From verbally abusing to comparing them with others, children through generations have been exposed to toxic parenting that made them silently suffer till death. 

Our lives have changed with time, so have our ways of dealing with children. And with time, many of these teachings have become redundant. Unlike the bygone days when it was  taboo to question them, toxic parenting traits are now being shunned upon. 

As American author Booker T Washington puts it "A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right, and evil doesn't become good, just because it's accepted by a majority." 

Growing up in Bangladesh, it will be difficult to find one person who hasn't received a 'good' spanking from their parents in their childhood. If you get involved in a fight, you come home to get spanked by your parents. 

You steal fruit from the neighbours, you get spanked by your parents. You failed in your exam—you get spanked. From wooden cane, slippers, or in more serious cases, leather belts, our parents have turned every unanimated thing into weapons to bring us discipline.

While recalling these childhood memories, one can have a good laugh, but this is one of the most underestimated forms of toxic parenting. But surprisingly enough, this does not even qualify as one in this part of the world.

But sparing the rod will not spoil the child, rather it will develop them positively. According to the Early Childhood Longitudinal Study in the USA, "Children who have been spanked by their parents by age 5 show an increase in behaviour problems at age 6 and age 8 relative to children who have never been spanked." 

If a similar research would have been conducted in our country, we might have identified it as the primary cause of juvenile delinquency or 'Kishore Gangs' as we call it.

Disregarding a child's emotional plea is one of the traits of toxic parenting that leaves a lasting impact on the children's lives. It is a form of psychological maltreatment. It has a negative effect on the mental health of a child. The most common signs of neglectful parents include speaking to the child in an unfriendly tone, expressing less affection, lack of interest in children's activities, verbally aggressive attitude etc. 

Toxic parents often compare their child to others. While it is unintentional, this particular trait can negatively impact their children in the long run. Most Bangladeshi parents think it would be easier to explain something to their child if they can drag examples of other children. Common examples include comparing their child's grade with higher grades achieved by their siblings, cousins or classmates while in school. This continues all throughout their child's adolescent period till they become adults. This ranges from how their counterparts are doing with their lives, their income, their marital status etc. Comparing your kid to others since their childhood kills their self-esteem once and for all. 

Another common trait of toxic parenting is focusing too much on their own children's misdeeds when another person's child is involved. They do this in order to maintain peace and ties with the other person while destroying it with their own child. 

Some parents believe their child is at fault and criticise them publicly, often demanding they apologise to the other child in front of everyone. Similarly, there are some parents who never accept their child's fault and thus never teach them how to accept mistakes and apologise.

Most of these traits of toxic parenting come from the parents' own experience which they somehow involuntarily instilled within themselves. The long-term effects that it has on the child include a wide range of psychiatric disorders such as depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, panic disorder etc. The less severe effect includes growing up to have a low self-esteem and lack of interest in social interactions. Victims of such abuse grow up to be disrespectful to their parents and neglect them in their old age. We must realise what we sow is what we shall reap in the future.

The phrase 'Spare the rod, spoil the child' is used as a justification to toxic parenting, and whoever normalised it has not done anything good for this world. While it cannot be denied there are some immediate positive effects of corporal punishment, there are many which can sabotage a child's overall development. Most parents aren't aware that the extreme tough love they show to their children hurts them, instead of helping. But new generation parents are rebelling to break the cycle and pledging to gift their children a positive life.

Aiman R Khan is an associate advocate, Rahman Law Associates & Company. 

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and views of The Business Standard.